By DR. DONNA CHACKO
If you’re concerned your holiday get-together this year may be less-than-merry because of family conflict, now is the time to start planning your strategy to create holiday goodwill.
This strategy involves an inside job and an outside job.
First, the inside job. It starts in your head and your heart. You decide that you will do your part to make a family dinner, a holiday brunch, or even a visit with overnight company turn out better than during Christmases past.
Spend some time well before the date of your family event thinking about what you will do to keep your cool when your mother-in-law becomes critical after her third cocktail or Uncle Joe starts spouting off about a political position that you will never, ever agree with.
Recall what went wrong last year. To help you avoid reacting to any unpleasantness that crops up this year, be ready with a prepared and rehearsed response.
For example, you could practice a breathing exercise if you start to feel triggered by a conversation. Or select a word like “peace” or a phrase like, “I love my crazy family” to play over and over in your mind. Or rely on your favorite prayer, which you can recite silently to yourself. These practices will reduce your stress and reactivity—which often can ease tension in the room.
Be proactive by rehearsing your best response to stressful conversations, planning ways to change the subject, preparing a list of distracting or humorous questions you might ask, and even considering how you can physically remove yourself from an untenable situation.
In short, prepare ahead how to bring your best self to the holiday gathering. Remember, you can only change yourself.
PHOTO CREDIT Adobe Stock photo
Take charge of your emotions and reactions and use your breathing or special words when your stomach starts to clench. Know your boundaries. Have a plan for keeping them in place when others try to cross them.
The outside job involves other people and the circumstances of the gatherings. Maybe you can invite a favorite relative or two to step away from the party for a long walk. Other ideas are taking the host’s dog out for a jog, planning a small-group trip to a bowling alley or movie theater to break up the constant togetherness, or turning on a football game.
When the togetherness starts to feel stifling, your prep will remind you to react in a graceful way and use your planned distractions and activities.
Another idea is to enlist the support of the hostess or the family matriarch to set some ground rules for the day, such as, “No political talk.” In some families, an alcohol-free event could save the day. And in the extreme, perhaps Uncle Joe shouldn’t get an invitation this year. Or you could decide not to attend yourself.
The bottom line: Don’t just wish for a drama-free holiday; plan for one.
University Park resident Donna Chacko is a retired radiation oncologist and family doctor. A blogger and author, Chacko (serenityandhealth.com) facilitates Centering Prayer groups on Wednesday morning at St. Andrew’s Episcopal Church in College Park and Monday evening at St. Mark’s Catholic Church in Hyattsville.